Exploring my Sexuality

Monday, November 30, 2020

If you know me outside of the internet, you'll know that I've always been pretty open about sex.

When I was around 13, I started writing Fan Fiction. That's not an admission I ever thought I'd make in a blog post at the grand old age of 28, but here we are. 2020 is the year of no shame, I guess. 

As I trawled the internet for inspiration, I stumbled across my very first, incredibly graphic, sex scene. I remember reading it and thinking 'ooh, what the fuck is going on here?' So I kept reading and falling deeper and deeper into the fanfic abyss, and before I knew it, I'd written my very first sex scene in my very own fan fiction. What a way to combine two burgeoning interests - sex and writing. It's honestly hilariously cringe-worthy reading my writing from this time, with it all being written by someone that had clearly never had sex before. It was around this time I was experimenting with my identity, friendship groups, interests, and of course, my sexuality. I enjoyed writing from a young age, but it was around the time I discovered the wonders of the internet, and thus the wonders of tiddies.

Jokes aside, like most people, a large portion of my sexual education came from the internet. Whether it was sheepishly Googling 'sex', or adding people in fascination bondage gear outfits on VampireFreaks, I owe a lot to the internet, because I certainly didn't get the education I needed in school.

Throughout my teens, and part of my way into university, I was starting to take an interest in kink. I used mostly online resources because I never really knew how to approach it with any friends, or discuss it with anyone at all. It was a whole new world to me, and I didn't know where to begin. A friend from college and university helped me become more comfortable talking about BDSM, and opened me up to talking about it with someone face to face, but I still had a long way to go.

I spent the end of my teenage years, and most of my twenties with a male partner in a heterosexual relationship, and that is where my self-exploration kind of came to a halt. I didn't take any of my interests any further, I deleted all of my profiles, I stopped being so open-minded about my own progression, and I became somewhat of a shadow of myself. That's not to say any of this was solely down to them. Sometimes the chemistry isn't actually what you think it is, and it takes you being on the other side to realise that. 

After we split, I found myself a little lost. I hadn't dated anyone in almost a decade. I hadn't used any dating apps, I didn't know what to expect, and I barely knew who I was as a person. I won't rehash the whole fucking story, because honestly at this point it's a little boring, but after a while of whining, I put on my bad bitch pants and fucked off to the other side of the World.

It's here that I've found the time to invest in myself. I was able to really delve into who I am. I knew from my teenage years that I was bisexual, but I always thought that it was never a part of my identity, and thus I never discussed it with anyone. It's only after this year that I realised that it's actually incredibly important to me. I came out to a lot of my family and friends, and since then I've felt like a brand new person. I feel free of shame, and I can finally deal with the internalised biphobia that I've been harbouring for a long time unknowingly.

I reopened my FetLife profile and became open to meeting new people. I downloaded Tinder and started dating. I went to Speed Dating events, mixers, and munches. I'm exploring my own interests, and I am meeting friends that share them. I've taken nudes and compared them with friends, and found so much confidence in my body. I'm pursuing my own interests in shibari and what else makes me tick. I've met so many wonderful people that I've felt I can truly be my authentic self with, and that is such a magnificent feeling. 

One of the points I really want to drive home is that no matter how open I've been about sex in the past, I'm still on my journey of educating and discovering myself. You can never be too educated or open-minded.

Taking myself out of my 'normal' life is what really drove me to explore what it's like to be alone, and who the fuck I am. It's spending time with people that are so encouraging and accepting where I've flourished into the sexually liberated, butt plug loving Queen that I am.

(This was originally posted on samanthanicole.co.uk, on May 23rd 2020)

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